Strong People Break Down Too

With only 4 days left until surgery, I got the call that we had to delay it again because I could not get cleared for surgery.  My white cell count is low and the doctors aren’t quite sure why.  So now on Monday I have to go to a blood doctor instead of having my much anticipated hip surgery.

I feel like I am reliving my 8th grade all over again, because in 8th grade we had many up and down battles to try and get my spine surgery.  But there are 2 main differences between then and now: then I was too young to truly know what was going on and then I wasn’t in any pain, I had to wear a neck brace but there was no pain or side effects that I had to endure during the wait.  Now I am in much pain and I am older and know exactly what is going on with my hip.

Everyone keeps telling me to try to think positively and everyone who knows me knows I am a very positive person, but even strong people have a breaking point and I am at mine.  I do everything doctors tell me and I patiently wait for their delays and now this.

Sometimes it feels as though I’m being tested to see just how much I can handle before I lose it all and get to the point where I can’t take any more.  Well I am at that point.  I’m not physically exhausted, I’m emotionally exhausted plus I’m exhausted from my body being so worn down.

I’ve got people telling me to do whatever to stay distracted and relaxed but that is near impossible to do at this point.  I go to work and can’t even do my job because I have to “take it easy and not overdue it” and I know I can’t overdue it any more but I also can’t just sit there and do nothing because that drives me crazy and only leads to me thinking about everything going on.

I’ve thought about taking off of work but once again sitting at home will drive me crazy.  I need to stay active but my body can’t do it any more.  I feel like I’m in a lose, lose situation and the only thing I can do is once again wait.  Wait, yet again for the doctors to figure out what is going on with my body and hope for the best.  I can’t take much more of this waiting game.

And as my mom stated “this is just another obstacle in the life of Monica Zaring, and nothing is ever normal in your life”.  Which leaves me wishing and hoping that one day very soon my life returns to being “semi-normal”.

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