I was opening my eyes and remember looking around but no one was around at first. There was a clock on the wall right in front of me that said it was 2:30, but then my eyes close again and about 10 minutes later I open them again and see someone standing next to me.
I ask them if I had my surgery, but I knew from how I felt that something wasn’t right and I didn’t have surgery. The man replied “no and your family is on their way to talk to you”, I knew from his voice this wasn’t good. And it was then that my mom and my aunt appeared and I lost it.
They explained to me that they had a problem intubating me and that it didn’t work so they have a new plan and will try and get me into surgery probably next week. I couldn’t stop crying. Why has all this stuff been happening with this surgery? Why now? With all of the medical problems I’ve had in my life why is it my 16th surgery run into this many problems?
So many questions and never any answers. I know this is the story of my life but I so desperately want to rewrite how all of this goes. I do everything right and nothing seems to be working out for me lately. Needless to say I’ve run out of hope.
I have so many people who keep saying “things will work out” “things will get better” “keep your head up” “it is what it is”. My questions are “when will it get better” “how high do I have to keep my head up” “if it is what it is then why hasn’t it worked out yet?”
You can only be so strong until things start breaking you down and you can’t take any more. Well here it is, I can’t take any more. I’m at the point that I will do whatever I have to do to get through it but I’m going to have to handle it my way which at this point I just don’t care any more. As long as I get it over with then I’ll be ok. But don’t expect me to keep my head up and don’t expect me to keep on hoping things get better because so far I’ve used up all the strength I’ve had and its only gotten me to this point.