I have been thinking about this post for a while now and wasn’t quite sure if I wanted to write it or how to even express what I am about to say. But thinking it over for a while here it is…
My life has become about pain control. I no longer have days where I can fight against that battle any more. I sometimes feel as though the people around me cannot understand when I try to talk to them about it. When I need to talk about it. However, it’s not fair of me to expect them to understand it either.
With that being said yes my life is about pain control. I live with aches and pains every day (and when I think about it I know some of you reading this will say “we all do”). But the aches and pains I am referring to are the the fact that sometimes it take me days to recover from “a good day”. Most days I am going about trying to live the every day life of a 31 year old all the while thinking how much I will pay for it later.
Being 31 years old and feeling this way makes me feel weak as a person. In my mind I should NOT be feeling this way. I should not be having to rest more than I am able to do every day functions but I do have to think that way and it is extremely difficult for me to accept that sometimes. All I want is to be able to go out and have a good time with friends and not have to worry about how the next few days I’ll have to recover from that.
My friend told me today “you have to think about all that your body has been through”. And when my friend said that I sat there reading that text and thinking “omgosh she’s right”.
Think about all my body has been through. Such a simple sentence that makes so much sense. My body has been through 18 surgeries. It has been through 18 recoveries. It has been through years of pain and years of healing. It has been through all those years of mental and physical distress that comes along with dealing with all that, and I dealt with it all in silence.
No wonder things seem so messed up for me right now. For the first time in my life I have stopped to take care of me. And since I’ve never fully understood how to do that, I don’t really know how to. I’ve only been working at this for a few months now and its going to take longer than a few months.
So I am slowly learning how to be a 31 year old who lives a life that is all about pain control. Living this kind of life may mean that I have to miss out on some things or decline invitations to some things if I am too tired. That is such a difficult thing for me to cope with at times because I feel as though I am missing out on life. So welcome to my new normal!