When I was a teenager and realized my gift for writing, I hoped one day I would write a book and share my story. That thought was always in the back of my mind but I honestly never thought that I would chase that dream. To me it was “a nice thought to have”.
But as I’ve grown older that dream has never left my mind and it was always nice to think about “maybe one day”. That time seems to be now where I need to truly focus on that goal but as I think about my story and all I’ve been through I can’t help but wonder “Am I ready for the world to hear my secrets?”
When I was approached about the documentary that was made on me I was truly happy that they wanted to share my story with the world and I am so glad that I took that opportunity to do so. I remember when I got the text on Facebook asking if I’d be willing to have them make the documentary. Of course I was excited and couldn’t believe that the time had come for me to be able to share my story with the world. My next thought was “will my mom be ok with me doing this documentary?” because I grew up in a family that was very private about things. So here I was being asked to do a documentary that I knew would be seen around the world.
By agreeing to do this, my life would no longer be private. Reliving my past and the surgeries and the doctors has always been hard for me. That is a pain that I don’t know if I will ever heal from. That is a pain I’ve hidden my entire life. When I am seen crying in that video clip that is a side of me that even my family and some of my closest friends had never seen.
And I have a dream to write a book that would only put out more of my hidden secrets and pain I’ve felt in my lifetime. Does that make me brave? Maybe. Does that make me scared? Definitely. Does it make me want to forget that dream and not make my story more public? Definitely. But would it help me heal? I think so.
I texted a friend tonight and said “I don’t know if I believe in myself” and I say that because a part of me feels as though I can’t put myself out there even more than I have. I don’t know if I have the courage to fulfill my dream. But then there is this other part of me that thinks about all the potential that I have to do what I love.
There is something I have noticed about myself. I’ve noticed that when it comes to me telling people about my life and what I’ve gone through and surgeries I’ve had and everything I’ve overcame. I have this sense of pride when I talk about all of that. When I am sitting in front of a group of people and telling them how I’ve overcome so many obstacles and how I have always wanted to share my story. In that moment I am happy and in that moment I know that I am inspiring people and that makes me feel good about who I am as a person.
And so then I realize that I have to figure out a way to overcome my fear of chasing what seems to be an impossible dream.